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Is your husband against homeschooling? I know what you’re going through. Wanting to homeschool, but not being able to. I’ve been where you are and can help.
No time? Listen instead!
Dear Mom,
I see you. Wanting to homeschool, but your spouse is against it.
I see you. Counting down the days until Christmas break. Yearning to have your kids home with you each day.
I see you. Sending them off to school on the first day with tears in your eyes, wishing it didn’t have to be this way.
I see you. Looking up educational activities, hands on projects, and “extras” to do with your kids on their days off.
I see you. Teaching your preschooler to read before they ever step foot on that school bus. Didn’t you love seeing their eyes light up? You taught him that!
I see you. I have been where you are. Upset, angry, wondering why I couldn’t just do what my heart desires. To homeschool my children.
Dear mom, whose spouse is against homeschooling, I know how you feel.
When one parent is against homeschooling, it makes life hard. Difficult. Emotional. And, I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could help you change your husband’s mind, but in reality, I can’t. You can’t. And, we shouldn’t even try.
There are two legitimate reasons that I feel people should never even attempt homeschooling. The first is if you really don’t want to homeschool, and the second is if a husband doesn’t support homeschooling. When a spouse is against homeschooling, homeschooling is guaranteed NOT to work. In order for homeschooling to be a success, both parents need to be on board. 100%. Homeschooling without husband support is NOT an option. I have heard cases where this happens, and believe me these are situations when homeschooling doesn’t work.
So, how did I change my husband’s mind? I didn’t. I begged I fought, I threw a fit, and in the end, my oldest got on that big yellow school bus. I cried. I was angry. I felt like one of the homeschool failure stories. I thought I could never forgive him for making me send her. I researched how to convince someone to homeschool, but it just didn’t feel right.
So, instead, I did these three things:
I Prayed. Hard. I prayed for her safety, I prayed for her teacher, I prayed for guidance as I went down this new path. I prayed that if it was God’s will that HE would change my husband’s mind and allow us to homeschool. I prayed that if it was God’s will that my kids go to public school, that He please give me peace.
I Submitted. I let my husband make this decision. Talking to your husband about homeschooling day in and day out is NOT submission. Believe me. I feel that God put my husband at the head of our home, and yes, I can disagree with him, but ultimately it is his job to lead our family.
I Was Prepared. I continued teaching her to read before she went to school each day. I continued teaching the other kids in my home their ABC’s and 123’s. I continued subscribing to homeschool magazines and reading blogs. I figured that even if I never homeschooled, it wouldn’t hurt to learn how to homeschool or teach certain subjects. I mean, after all, there is homework to do most nights right?
Dear mom, I encourage you to do the same, pray, submit and be prepared. These things helped me, and they can help you too.
Then after what seemed like forever, something happened that I will never forget, he changed his mind. No real explanation, a few things had happened at the school, but none that was earth-shattering. He just changed his mind. We have been homeschooling ever since.
Now, dear mom, this may not happen with you. Many moms yearn to homeschool, and just can’t. If this is you, I want to share one thing that I hope encourages you.
You are a good mom. Homeschooling does not make one mom better than the other. It does not mean that you or your husband love your child any less. Continue praying and nurturing your child, continue being involved, do what you have been doing. You are a good mom!
Do you long to homeschool? How have you handled not being able to? And what tips and wisdom do you have to share with other moms whose spouse is against homeschooling?
Hi Ruth. I know it is NOT easy, believe me, I have known many moms in your shoes. Some husbands change their minds, some don’t. I’ll be praying for you.
I guess this comes a few years late, but it’s still the second link that pops up when you search “husband not on board with homeschooling” (congratulations! haha)
Thank you for confirming what I suspected. This wife shall no longer try to debate the issue. This wife shall hold her peace and spill her heart out before the Lord. (And ask Him to help me stop secretly hoping that school will be a complete disaster for DD so DH will feel guilty and tell me You were right all along won’t you please forgive me.)
It doesn’t help that we live in a country where homeschooling is a grey area. It’s not a crime to homeschool your children, but it’s not explicitly legal either. There is a law that says children need to be enrolled in school at the age of 4 (yes, FOUR). Ugh. What’s worse is that other legislation says children need to be taught to read at age six. So…what are they doing in school before that? Ugh again. He also doesn’t want to send her to public school (thank goodness) which means we’ll be paying for tuition AND uniforms AND supplies AND events like mother’s day, christmas, father’s day, children’s day, etc. And I could think of a bazillion better things to do with all that cash. (Like an incredible family vacation at the end of the year!)
Sorry, didn’t mean for this to turn into a page-long rant. I guess I’m still a little more annoyed than I should be.
Thank you for the encouragement.
Ruth
I’m so sorry. That is a hard situation to be in. I’ll be praying for you. Do you have anyone near you or people you can connect with who are going through the same or similar thing?
I keep re-reading this article. My husband is not only against homeschooling, but also an unbeliever. He allowed me to start our oldest in kindergarten 9 years ago! But has never really supported me. Not only do we fight about school, but also if the kids should go to church and everything else along those lines. Our oldest is now ready for night school. I’ve hung in this long because it has become so much of my identity and way of life. But I agree that this can’t work without his support. I just can’t imagine not after all this time!
Praying for you Sarah!! It is a hard season, but remember, you are NOT alone.
Misty,
Thank you for this article. Everything you describe in the beginning is me, I feel. I stayed home with my kids and slowly, I have realized that I desire to homeschool them more than anything. I love teaching them, being with them, and being the one who introduces them to new concepts. They attend a private Christian school now. My husband doesn’t want to homeschool. Please pray for me. This year especially has been so hard as I struggle with not being sad and whining because this is not what I want. My husband is a wonderful father and husband—I couldn’t ask for him to be or do more for our family. I feel like I’m being greedy and selfish to want this. I’ve prayed for peace with our current situation and sometimes I’m okay, but then in a split second it can all come crashing down.
Thank you Misty!
Leslie! Oh, my heart aches for you. I have been there (as you read) and I know how hard it is. Just keep praying, and no the Lord can change your heart. But, also, you need to come to peace and let it go if he doesn’t. Praying for you, and please come back here and let me know how this pans out.
Wow! Such of a great post…and your story is sooo close to mine! Almost identical! We chose for me to teach preschool (homeschool), as we live in a farm–far away from a preschool. So, he was completely fine me teaching that at home. But his heart was 100% public school for grade school. It frustrated me sooo much because I desire to homeschool our children at least grade school! My mind and heart would get soooo mad and wanted to explode to him many times (thankfully I would bite my tongue though, as I didn’t want to be a “nagging wife” as God’s Word warns me against being). I even wrote my husband a 3-page letter (single spaced) of the reasons we shall homeschool. It was eating me up! I could never find the right time to give my letter to my husband. Then, someone suggested to let it ALL GO and give it ALL to God. And I realized that’s what I needed to do. I prayed and let HIM take over. I stopped worrying. And the frustration was completely taken out of my heart through Christ. What’s crazy is that only about 2 months after giving it all to God, my husband randomly venting to me that he’s not ready to let our son go to grade school yet (which will happen in about 1 year from now). I briefly brought up homeschooling at least until 2nd grade, as in our state, the public school is not required until the child is at the age of 7. He looked at me and said, “Hmmm. Well, let’s do it.” I was in shock! My mind could hardly believed what my husband had just said! He changed his mind that FAST! Wow! Praise God! I did NOT even give him my 3-paged letter (in which I never did!). Haha! He said “YES!” in a 5-minute cheerful conversation. WOW! Praise God! Look what HE did in my husband’s heart! (That conversation was about 5 months ago.)
Okay, with all of that said, this evening, my heart was getting troubled again. My heart was getting frustrated sending my children away to the school (plus 2-hour bus drive daily) when my child enters 2nd grade. My husband mentioned about “when” our go to school in a couple years. I hated “hearing” those words. And so, that is what I was googling about and it lead me to this article on your blog (which was an amazing article!). It was a great reminder that I need to focus on praising God for giving me the opportunity to homeschool the next 3 years. And give the rest to HIM. If it is God’s will, he’ll change my husband’s heart again. Thank you for the reminder. 🙂
Rachel, I’m so sorry! I have been where you are, and I have friends who are still there. I am praying for you. Please know you are NOT alone. Also, you are a good mom, regardless of how your children are educated. Keep working with them. Keep praying with them. Keep teaching them about the Lord. God will honor your work.
Thanks for writing this post.I have scoured the internet to find something comforting to read like this.
I have a deep,deep wish to home educate my children and I feel a kind of grief that goes along with accepting the wish will never come true.
This is for many reasons.My son is at a Waldorf school and loves it there.It is a fantastic community and about as gentle as a school could get but I am passionate advocate for the ‘unschooling’ way of life and raising a free child in all respects.
Sadly ,because I don’t drive,because my husband doesn’t believe I would cope and as my eldest in school genuinely likes to go,this is not an option for us.
A little part of me will always hope and pray that things will change.It has helped to be heard by someone.It would seem that not many parents or I indeed anyone I know can relate to how I am feeling at all .
Hello Andrea. I am so sorry you are struggling so deeply with this. I can only talk to you as a Christian mother. Who truly believes that God will lead her husband to make the right decisions. We have to have that faith. That doesn’t mean we can’t disagree. It’s a joint respect. I have never felt that my husband has made an important decision without hearing my thoughts and opinions on the matter. So, it is hard for me to offer you advice when you have said you are not a religious person, because I am. And I can’t make a decision without my faith playing a role.
However, I will say this. Homeschooling can not and will not work without BOTH parties being 100% on board. It just won’t. If someone disagrees with me, they are more than welcome to share their opinion. But, homeschooling is not just an education choice. It’s a lifestyle choice. I’d recommend truly talking to your husband, sharing your concerns, offer to do it for a trial period, see what happens.
Keep me updated. I hope it works out for you.
I wish I could do this.
My husband is against it. HE just keeps quiet and I know he is insinuating I am not capable of.
Because I am not so patient with my kids.
How can I change? My husband is the most narrow-minded person in the world. H does everything like done i40 years ago.
I am not a religious person, and I find it hard to submit to him when his philosophy is that he pays for the school so he decides on the school. I do not have even a say about the school he chose.
How could praying change his mind? What do you mean to submit to him. Why must he take all the decisions? I struggle with this. I am not less than him, and he expects t,e to contribute as much money as he puts in the house and I was the main breadwinner before kids were born. And I used to joke I Was the wife and husband because he was just cruising.
So why must I leave the choice of school to him? Aren’t they also my kids?l. Don’t mothers know better what is best for the kids?
I am very resentful, that I have to do the homework with my kids, but I have no choice on the school. And yes I work, even though I do not make much money.
I would love to hear what you have to say.
Thanks Rosanna! I feel like sometimes we get on a high horse that homeschooling is the only option. When we do that we alienate those moms who maybe can’t or would but whose husbands don’t approve. It’s so important to remember that homeschooling isn’t the only way.
This is a great post! I was homeschooled, but my husband wasn’t on board with it nor was I interested in it so our oldest daughter went to a Private School until the end of Grade 2. Right around the time that I got ready to homeschool, my husband was suddenly completely on board. I think, though, that your best point in this post is that homeschooling doesn’t make you a better mom. You can still be a good mom even if you don’t homeschool. One my dearest friends doesn’t homeschool and she is an amazing mom!
Thank you Latonya!
I’ve read this post several times. It is such an encouragement. Although my husband has always been supportive, I know many moms who haven’t always had the support of their spouse. Thank you for writing this post to them.
Oh, Jenn. I’m praying for you. I will just say that sending our daughter to public school was the eye opening experience my husband needed. I’m not sayin this will be the case with you, but don’t give up hope. God can soften hearts, and if this doesn’t work out the way you want it to, know that the Lord loves your baby more than you, and HE has a bigger plan that maybe you just don’t see yet. His will is perfect <3. PLEASE keep me updated and let me know how you and your son are doing in the fall.
I read this post often. I was homeschooled, and my husband went to public school. I never thought I would want to homeschool, but when we became parents, the idea of homeschooling became more and more appealing. My husband has never warmed to the idea, mainly because he’s worried about my ability (or lack thereof) to follow through. I can’t blame him, honestly. We had a “trial” year this last year for preschool and it didn’t go well in terms of consistency. My husband wasn’t really on board – I was being tested. The curriculum I chose wasn’t really a great fit, and my expectations weren’t realistic. Plus, I really do have a hard time being consistent. That’s honestly why I didn’t think I could do it. I had resigned myself to the fact that my son would be starting kindergarten this year, until the current presidential administration decided to impose a policy that I don’t agree with (putting it lightly). It has turned this issue from one of sad resignation to one frought with anger and resentment. In fact, he just told me a couple of nights ago that we still needed to move forward with our current plan and play it by ear. I am so heartbroken, and yet I can’t blame him for being concerned!! I truly believe that the best thing is to pray! To know that, ultimately, my husband’s heart is being led by the Holy Spirit and that this is God’s will for our family. I need to pray for peace and trust in Him, and unity and true, joyful submission to my husband. I am also praying that these areas of weakness will humble me and make me teachable and accountable. Maybe down the road, if this choice becomes a necessity, I’ll be more prepared to handle such a great responsibility!! Thank you for taking the time to write this. It has blessed my heart soooo much!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing your story. My hubbyonly agreed to one year as well. Then, we BOTH fell in love with homeschooling. Prayers Rosanna, that God WILL change yours or your hubby’s heart. Being on the same page is a MUCH better position <3
Thank you for this! God has changed my hubby’s heart enough that after one year of Christian church preK he’s agreeing to let me do home Kindergarten this fall. The plan is still for our son to attend public school next year though. I’m praying hard for a heart change, whether it needs to be mine or my hubby’s. I was homeschooled from 2-12 grade, I went on to get my Associates degree and became a registered nurse and could have gone much farther if I wanted to.
Hi Hope! I don’t think there is anything wrong with a dad who studies calculus with his child at night? And as far as the “weird” kids, I really wasn’t trying to be inconsiderate. My husband himself will tell you he didn’t fit in, in school. I think all of us are “Weird” at some point in our lives. What I was referring to, is just what Kilroy mentioned, the stereotypical, “unsocialized” homeschooled kids. The ones that we ALL hear of, but that I’ve never actually met. I hope that makes sense.
Anyway, there was no disrespect meant at all by my comment. I am sorry if it offended anyone.
I really don’t like talking about “weird kids.” What is so wrong with a dad studying calculus with his son at night? There are all types and everyone deserves respect regardless of everyone’s idiosyncracies, disabilities, varied interests, and strengths. A lot of people do homeschool because their child does not fit in the box at school and that is a good choice for their family. That is okay. I don’t think that there should be disparaging remarks about children who don’t quite fit in (those are some of our most successful adults!) and are homeschooling. There are all types of homeschoolers and a multitude of reasons why people choose that path.
I am sorry it was such a long road getting there. But, I am SO happy for you and your son that it is going well now. Thank you for sharing your story!
We had a rocky road into homeschooling. Our son was struggling horribly in his private school, having major meltdowns multiple times a week. I wanted to pull him out and homeschool but my husband was against it and wanted to continue to try to work with the school. I became completely burned out in trying to get the school to help my son but to no avail. My husband and I were at major odds. We fought continuously. I just couldn’t do it without his consent and support so my son continued to be traumatized in the school environment. It was just awful. Finally God took care of the problem and the school dismissed my son from the school. My husband then agreed that I should homeschool. I have to say I am still a bit resentful that my husband wouldn’t listen to my pleas and what seemed like common sense but in the end it worked out and my son is so much happier at home. We are now two years into homeschooling and all is going well!
Thank you for your kind words, and for stopping by!
Thank you for this post. I completely agree with everything you said.
That is awesome! And it does sound very similar to our story. Good luck!! THanks for sharing 🙂
This was us. i wanted to HS our boys so much but dh was 100% opposed. It was a huge issue in our marriage. I begged, nagged, cried, etc. I finally realized I wouldn’t change his mind. i prayed the same prayer you had. Just before Christmas vacation when our oldest was in K he opened up to the idea. This is our first year HSing and there are hard days but I’m so thankful to be on this journey now.
Janelle, you are so sweet! Thank you for your kind words 🙂
What an encouraging post, full of wisdom for anyone desiring to homeschool with a spouse who is opposed. I keep “stumbling” upon your posts and am loving all of them! (pinning and sharing this one!)
Oh Missy prayers!!! I have SO been where you are and know how hard it is. Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your story with me.
Thank you for this! I have longed to homeschool and hubs is NOT on board. I continue to send them to public schools, which are nice in my area…but not what I want for our family. I could ‘put my foot down’ and insist, but have always felt that would be a bad move. I’m glad to know I am not alone. I assumed all homeschool families had like minds from the beginning.
My husband is very similar. I was terrified at first! Felt like I had to prove myself, by teaching her to read. I am so glad God softened his heart. Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story!!
This was beautiful. My husband was very nervous at first. We agreed on a 1 year trial. In preschool. LOL – I was furious that I had to “prove” that it worked. But I prayed. He still wasn’t sure after 2 and 3 years of homeschooling. We talked about school options often. But since we are military and we move so much, the schools were never a better option. Eventually, he admitted that enjoyed having the kids home and that he couldn’t imagine sending them to school. So although we did get to homeschool from the beginning, it was not a smooth journey. Homeschooling grew on us.
Oh Katie I am so glad it gave you some comfort 🙂 Thank you for sharing and for stopping by! Prayers to you and your family.
Thank you thank you thank you. My spouse is not on board with homeschool and out son goes to the local public school. Sometimes when I read other blogs I feel judged- like I am this horrible person sending her son to school. Right now it is God’s will for our family and I believe what you said- if both parents are not on board it will not work out. I needed to read this today.
Katie
Great comments and tips here Kilroy. Thank You! For my husband it was the “weird” kids that made him hesitate with homeschooling. He didn’t understand that those kids can happen regardless of where they go to school. What helped him was seeing real homeschoolers out in the “real” world. Also, knowing that I wouldn’t be alone and that the kids would have friends. He did talk to another dad about homeschooling and that was a huge help! And now, 5 years in, he is super pro homeschooling! With no doubts whatsoever.
Thank you Stefanie! It is awesome that you and your future spouse are already on the same page. That will make things so much easier in a few years 🙂
This breaks my heart!! To be honest I still worry about my fiance’s parents, but I’m glad we agree on homeschool. I’m a homeschooling grad and he went to public school. He has ADHD so he didn’t have the best experience. His big thing is he doesn’t want our kids facing bullying and such, and I think that’s a very important factor.
I love that we just need to pray and still be respectful of the choices the leader makes, but this is such a comfort for women in those situations.
This post hit me as a homeschool dad..
As someone who has experienced the joys of homeschooling our 4 kids with my wife (still in the midst of it), it’s hard to imagine not wanting this for my family. I’ve had the privilege of talking to a lot of young dads about it though, and I do understand the hesitation in many cases. The old 7 Habits mantra of “Seek first to understand, then be understood” is important in this conversation.
Most of the time it’s a misunderstanding of what homeschool is. If they’ve never seen it modelled in a healthy way, there is little to counter society’s narrative of the sheltered and painfully shy misfit kid whose mother hovers about them into college. It’s a silly stereotype, but it’s put out there constantly and has an impact over time. The dad is often depicted as a button-down guy who has never seen the sun, and who does calculus with his nerdy kids in the evening. The dads are almost always pictured as overbearing task-masters as well, who are demanding their career-driven wives stay at home to raise their 25 children. Who wants to be that guy, or even associated with that guy? Who wants to raise kids who will talk about ‘daddy issues’ to a therapist for the next 50 years? Of course the narrative is wrong, but it’s still a common stereotype.
The other reason I’ve run into on a couple of occasions is the “it’s not fair that I have to work while she colors at home.” That’s an easy one for me (as a guy) to push back on. It typically starts with a “suck it up, cupcake” and then we review what’s included with homeschooling so he gets a picture that he’s getting off easy when he leaves for work. It ends with loving his wife well, and training his kids the way they should be. Note: easy for me to push back on this, but tough for mom as it just turns into a fight.
The good news is that a little shot in the arm (or punch) from another dad who they respect (and who homeschools in a positive way) can help them get past some misconceptions.To demonstrate how it ‘can’ be is a powerful thing, and who better than to find someone who is modelling it. Dads (and moms of course..just sticking with guys for now) tend to want self-reliant kids – to build confidence into our kids. Schools promise that, and the picture of homeschooling above doesn’t. That needs to be flipped on its head.
If you’re in this boat, I’m sorry. I really am. I pray that you’ll have wisdom, and so will he. I’d recommend finding a positive role model for homeschooling..someone like him. Then, get them talking. That alone is a tough task, but again, I’ve talked to so many guys and once they start to open up I can’t get them to shut up! Typically, mom talks to my wife..my wife talks to me..I find an excuse to start talking to the dad. I’ve never had someone approach me saying “my wife says we should talk.” I go out of my way to make it a casual thing, talking about my experiences, and then asking what the dad’s going to do. It flows naturally from there.
Sorry to ramble — and to inject into a forum that I just ran across. It’s just something near-and-dear to me and I really want dads all over to man-up and take a role in their kids’ education.