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Homeschooling is a lifestyle choice and it will change every aspect of your life. Homeschooling will change your marriage, it is up you whether you let that be a bad thing….or a good thing.
My husband arrives home from work. Tired and exhausted. I am dressed, fresh hair, makeup, and the kids are quietly in the other room. Dinner’s ready, and he sits down to a hot meal and a quiet home. I ask how his day is, and make the time to listen. The environment is a relaxing one and one he is happy to come home to.
At least that’s the vision I imagined when we first had kids…however, that is FAR from reality. When I first began homeschooling I had NO clue how much our life will change. Homeschooling is a lifestyle choice and it will change every aspect of your life including your marriage.
The reality when my husband gets home is this:
- All three kids piling on him the minute he gets in the door.
- They are pushing as they each struggle to get his attention.
- Dinner is cold because I couldn’t hold them off any longer, and after all, he was 15 minutes late…
- I’m in sweat pants. With a messy bun. The evidence of lunch is on my shirt. And what’s makeup?
Now, this isn’t the reality every day, but it is pretty darn close. Some days are better than others, and some days, I RUN when he pulls on. Most days I am slightly resentful of the fact that he gets to leave the house. Childless.
Where was the warning?
But, here’s the thing, no one warned me. When I discussed homeschooling with veteran homeschoolers, I was told how it would be hard. I was told that choosing a curriculum would be difficult, and I was told that breaks were needed to avoid burnt out.
- No one told me that after the kids go to bed our evenings would consist of grading papers.
- No one told me that my husband would blame me when our kids didn’t know how to do something.
- No one told me that every day my kids would look at me as “teacher” and dad as “fun”.
- No one told me that I would resent him for just that.
- No one told me that a weekend to the homeschool convention would count as a date…
- No one told me, homeschooling will change your marriage.
Why does no one talk about this?
And maybe the reason no one talks about it is because they don’t want to share their marriage with others. But, I think it is important to discuss it. Homeschooling will change your marriage, it is up to you whether you let that be a bad thing….or a good thing. It’s an attitude choice. You can roll with the changes, or let resentment settle in. If I had known would I have still homeschooled? Absolutely! Homeschooling is worth the good, bad and ugly. But, if I had known that it was normal, I would have been a lot less stressed out when the changes happened.
So….if homeschooling has changed your marriage, please know that you are NOT alone. It is natural for things to change when homeschooling happens. And, here’s a tip… when the rare date night does happen, be sure not to discuss school (unless you’re at a convention 😉 )
For more about marriage and homeschooling, check out Heidi St. John’s Book, The Busy Homeschool Mom’s Guide to Romance Todd Wilson’s Book Help, I’m Married to a Homeschool Mom and Marriage and the Homeschool Mom on the End in Mind.
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Grading once a week is a great idea! Thanks for sharing with us what works for you.
Reality definitely sets in when you’ve been homeschooling- and I completely get that. It definitely changes your marriage relationship-which is why I (we) work even harder at keeping things fresh in our marriage. I found that getting away for a few hours a week has saved my life, and attending a weekly women’s marriage study has been just the thing I needed. I’m also still finding tips in tweaking the realities of the work associated with homeschooling – like grading papers. Waiting until one day per week to grade and taking the day off homeschooling that day- anything like that to keep life flowing more smoothly for me so I’m not overwhelmed. Thanks for this post!!
Homeschooling definitely changes your marriage! Sometimes it’s for the positive and sometimes for the negative. One thing I would recommend is to try not to save up too much to do at night. I like to try to grade whatever papers I’m going to grade right after my kids complete them rather than letting them stack up to do later. I try to run errands during the afternoon so that our time in the evenings can be spent as a family. My poor husband has to hear me complain about various schooling issues… and sometimes he has to talk me down when I start in on the whole “I’m afraid I’m failing them” rant. But the overall mindset of homeschooling has been very positive for our marriage and for our family. 🙂
You are so welcome Mandi!! Congrats to being a brand new homeschooler 🙂 Please, feel free to contact me if you need prayer or have questions as you are on your journey.
Thank you! My husband works swing shifts so our story is a bit different but I so needed this right now. I was just thinking that homeschooling is really changing a lot of our life. Some better that I see right away (we’ve only been doing this 2 months) like siblings bonding more. Some not so good that no one warned me about. Now I’m sure we will figure out the finer details and I know it’s worth it but wanted to thank you for this.
Thank you for posting :). It is the same at our house. I feel so very blessed to have the husband that I do.
Homeschooling definitely does affect marriage, but for those of us who have been doing it from the very beginning, it just seems normal. I think our family togetherness because of homeschooling helps to give us a better marriage rather than being a strain on the marriage, which is good.
Oh yes, homeschooling can change your marriage. I find I can get irritated sometimes with my husband just for walking through the door in the evenings….all dressed nice and smelling good while the house and I look like we’re losing at a game of Jumangi! 😊
Hi Barbara! I don’t think you seem critical at all! Myhusband has slowly changed into exactly what you are talking about. He helps a LOT now. He has taken over math, and helps me grade papers. He is more involved. I also take things to be critical, even when they aren’t meant to be. That is a “Me” issue. Not a “He” issue.
I think with us, it was a harder transition because homeschooling was never in our plans. Me staying home, wasn’t in our plans either. Plus, I have always worked (from home currently) so we don’t fit the homeschool “mold” so to speak. But, God called us to homeschool, and here we are.
I think speaking and communicating regarding expectations, and the kids, and everything else is key. I LOVE the idea of talking about roles in premarriage counseling. BUT, with us, that wouldn’t have helped, since we aren’t in the roles we thought we’d be in.
Thank you SO much fors stopping by, and please feel free to share your thoughts on this blog anytime. We welcome communication, advice, and respectful differences of opinion!
Thank you for this post. It reminds me, again, to be thankful for my husband. While I’m sure this is true for some, it’s not for our family, and it doesn’t have to be for a new homeschool family if you communicate. My husband never criticizes how I do my job of homeschooling the kids. Just as I don’t criticize how he runs his business. We discuss all of it, business and school after the kids go to bed. If he comes across something they don’t know and he thinks they should he steps up and helps or asks if I need any. We don’t grade papers at night either. I do that while they are participating in their P.E. and extracurricular activities if I didn’t do it immediately when they finished. My kids see US as fun because when dad comes home we all have fun together and I’m the one who is taking them to all their fun homeschool group stuff during the day where they get to see their friends. My husband is grateful I was wiling to ditch the career to raise our kids the way we both thought was best. We don’t have that picture perfect evening, either. When he rolls in he rolls up his sleeves and helps with dinner and any cleaning needed since he sees it as we both just finished a long day doing our jobs. I also credit the fact that we discussed our family roles in our pre cana (pre marriage) classes through the church before we got married. I constantly share my gratitude for what he does to make it so that we are able to homeschool. I hesitated to share this because I don’t want to seem critical of how others are doing things but I decided to share anyway in hopes that this can help someone considering homeschooling realize that a little communication in advance, a mutual respect, and a bit of gratitude might avoid some or all of these issues.
Homeschooling definitely changed my marriage! But I think public school would have too, just in a different way. I actually LOVE that my kids see my husband as the funnest parent because then I don’t feel guilty for taking an occasional break to go write in quiet – they practically shove me out the door so they can have their extra video games and soda in the winter, or extra time getting filthy dirty outside in the summer!
It’s definitely a challenge to keep things altogether and prioritizing is key. I pray that homeschooling can be a blessing to all of us . . . even our marriage. A change for the good would be good. 😉
Good on you for making the decision to homeschool, I can imagine a lot of thought went into it. We are not yet at the stage of deciding on whether or not to home school but this has given me some food for thought 🙂
Like all things, you never quite see the full picture.
Thank you for talking about something which isn’t talked about very often, if at all.
Thank you for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop
Lydia
Hi Mary! I have been homeschooling since 2010. We keep grades for Grammar/English and Math. To see the kind of things we do for school check out these posts:
http://findingjoyinthejourney.net/tag/homeschool-recap/ Thank you for your concern and I appreciate you stopping by!
Just wondering why you are grading papers at night. Never did that myself. We homeschool. We don’t do school at home. I have never been the “fun” parent, I don’t think homeschooling had a thing to do with it. Sounds like you need to chill. No offence intended. How long have you been homeschooling?
I don’t homeschool (my kids are 2 and 7 mo), but even just ‘teaching’ them basic things sometimes makes me feel like the less fun parent. I never really thought of how a real homeschooling mom felt or how it changes the relationship between wife and husband. Major props to you for homeschooling – I am intrigued by homeschooling and am looking forward to reading your Ebook about it 🙂 Not sure if it’s the path for our family or not, so I’m trying to research!
Thanks for linking up on Tuesday Talk! 🙂
Katie @ Sweet Little Ones
Lol! Well, I am pleasantly surprised that I shocked you 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
Thank you!! Heading over to check out your blog now 🙂
Misty,
I think you just put into words what so many of us mom’s feel but haven’t really said. Thanks for being brave! Some great insight here – Planning to share it tomorrow on Simplified Life’s FB page. ~Victoria
So I read that first paragraph and was thinking to myself What?!?! How does that happen? 🙂
We’ve always homeschooled, so it’s hard for me to think what actually changed when we started, but you’ve challenged me. I’ll probably be super aware of your points above for the next week.
Blessings,
I’m still in the young stages of marriage without kids but we’ve talked about homeschooling… This is a great post of something I’ve never really heard discussed and I will definitely be keeping it in mind when the time comes for us to make the decision.
Thank you Jennifer! There are positive changes that happen too of course, but I think what surprises me most about it is that NO ONE talks about it. At least not in local homeschool circles. We share everything else new homeschoolers will need to know, but not this. At least not where I am from. My husband is 100% on board with homeschooling now, and supports us, he even helps with the teaching and grading. But, we had a hard time navigating those changes at first.
Thank you!
Lol, well you feel free to right a post about it 🙂 You can even come back here and share it. I don’t mind!!
I know! Remembering the purpose behind our jobs helps so much!
Yes! I am 🙂 I will head over and check them out. Thanks for sharing!
This is super great, and real. Sharing it on HomeschoolingIRL. We have done a few podcast episodes on how homeschooling changes a marriage, if you’re interested 🙂
Yes, sometimes I just want to be fun mom, or at least just mom. It’s then that remembering why I’m homeschool helps me over that hump over grumbling.
When I saw this blog post title, I immediately wanted to go write my own blog post on this topic BEFORE I read yours just because you’re right it does change every aspect of your marriage in so many ways. It changes everything about your life. I wouldn’t trade it, but it does put different twists and turns in marriage that otherwise wouldn’t have been there. Great reminder that we’re not alone.
Great post, I scheduled it on Blooming With Joy’s fb fan page!
Just yesterday the words came out of my mouth… “the kids think you’re fun and I’m not because I’m their teacher”. I hadn’t even thought about it until I said it. Was it resentment that I never knew was there?
I do think homeschooling has changed our marriage but I also think for many positive aspects too. I know my husband is impressed by my daughter’s abilities and knowledge and I know he gives me credit for that. I also know he loves having homeschooled children. I know sometimes he wishes he could homeschool them (he did my oldest daughter’s kindergarten year and loved it).
Very thought provoking. Thanks for sharing.
xoxo