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I shared with you last week about the ache. The ache I felt when I longed for another child, and the ache I have learned to deal with over the past few months. If you are a mom, I think it would be safe to say that at some point you have had the ache. Maybe yours went away after child 1, 2 or 3. But, for some of us the ache for more babies doesn’t go away. We have to learn to deal with it, and it can be hard. Very hard. I would love to say that I magically woke up one day and agreed with my husband’s decision, but I haven’t. I am working hard to be content, and to come to peace with it. I know the ache will be there, but I cannot let that ache run my life. Here is how I am working through it.
I’m Choosing to Thank God for What we Do Have
I have three healthy kids. We have food on our table and a roof over our head. I have a husband who works hard to provide for our family. We have what has become, our dream home, that fits our family of five well.
When I take the time to thank God for what He has provided us with, it is harder to focus on what I don’t have. My life is blessed, and we are happy. God is good.
Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. ~Phillipians 4:11
Embracing Where Our Family Is Now
We are out of the diaper phase! Between my middle and my youngest, we always had a daycare baby or toddler. After 10 years of having a baby we can now go places without a diaper bag or stroller. This opens up amusement parks, go-cart tracks, and much more to the whole family. We have always wanted to try tubing in Tennessee. Next time we are there, we can do that!
When I take the time to focus on where our family is now, and all the things this new stage of parenting has to offer I can try to find peace and contentment in this season of our lives.
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.
~Ecclesiastes 3:1
Respect My Spouse
My husband works hard to provide for us. He has stresses I don’t know about, and as the head of our home, ultimately the decision to expand our family is his. He is content with our family. And whether or not I am, I need to respect his decision as the God given leader of our home. This is where submission kicks in. Is this easy? No. However, it is a decision I must respect. It is not my job to change his mind. It is my job to love and respect him.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. ~Ephesians 5:22-23
Moms if you are dealing with the ache for more babies, I urge you to pray about what you are going through. Your feelings are normal, but if left unchecked can eat at your joy, your peace, your contentment, and ultimately your marriage. I encourage you to talk to a friend who understands what it is like. A friend who will not give you bad counsel, but one that will listen to you, support you, and pray with you.
If you have been dealing with the ache, I hope that these posts have encouraged you, and I pray that you can find contentment and peace to help deal with the ache. If you have dealt with the ache, and worked through it, please share your story in the comments. You may encourage another mom dealing with the same thing.
Don’t miss part 1!
Thank you. Yes to all of this. Number 4 was our compromise baby and I went into it knowing he was probably the last. I tried to relish my pregnancy and birth. And I sporadically prayed for hubby to have a change of heart. After our third was about a year and half old I really wanted to leave our fertility up to God. My husband has never felt like that. I have often wondered if I were calmer, more patient, a better wife and mom, made more time for us as a couple, would he feel differently? The what-ifs could go on forever. He planned to have a vasectomy while I was pregnant with number four. Fear and time won out and thus the procedure didn’t happen until number four was eleven months old. We’re now five months out from the procedure and I still hope maybe we’ll have a surprise blessing but I know that I am being delusional. I hear and feel the whispers from my own mind and from family of “why would she want more, she’s overwhelmed now”. I’m not intentional enough about spiritual growth and training, homeschooling or even enjoying the kids I do have. And yet, the thought, even though I’ve had months to prepare, of never being pregnant, never having my own baby again, makes me so sad. It’s my favorite thing that I’ve ever done. It is really hitting home as my sister-in-law just announced another pregnancy. My baby is walking, beginning to talk. I know that the Lord knows best. I get most of my husband’s reasons. Perhaps it’s because the Lord knows how much I will or won’t be able to handle even with submission to Him. I’ve also had four c-sections, diastasis recti, and with my last, low platelets then blood clots after delivery. I know there are so many perks to being done, but my heart aches. And I feel greedy for my womanly desires as I watch and pray for my best friend with infertility. Misty, did you take a little time specifically to grieve? Thank you again.
Anna, you’re so welcome. I’ve been meaning to do an update to this post. Years later, I do have peace with this decision. The ache is no longer there. God is so gracious. He is so merciful. And, I am so thankful for the family I have. Even if it isn’t the size I thought it would be. Praying for you!! And your husband.
Another years later thank you. I have one wonderful, amazing, downright spectacular little boy. He took years and losses and one very scary labor to get here and I was heartbroken though not horribly surprised that my husband isn’t interested in more at this point. Never in my life did I ever envision being done with 1 and I absolutely ache. I do pray that God gives us the family He has and that either my husband’s or my heart are turned but Good gracious it is HARD. I love your focus shift on thanksgiving. Definitely going to try that to keep from going into that pit or resentment and sadness. Thank you!!
Oh, I am so sorry. There are no words to say to this, but I do want you to know I’ll pray for you and your family.
Thank you for this post. Although it is years later, I am currently trying to find support and healing and found this. I have always wanted 4-5 kids, and 3 was supposed to be our compromise as well. We had 2 and for years I begged my husband for another (mine are 10 and 7) and as I grew older I knew it wasn’t going to happen. However I found out 2 days after Christmas we were pregnant without our intention and I felt overjoyed. Our children were so excited and my husband said he was happy as well. I am now 10 weeks along and having a miscarriage and my husband said he will never actually try for another. My deepest desire of another finally came to be real and was taken away so quickly. I feel so broken and again like something is missing and even more so that I was so close to my 3rd child. I really don’t know how to get past this and I am trying to pray, but at this point my faith has been shaken, although I know I will get through this, but of course that ache and pain will never go away.
I am so sorry. Anything I can pray with you about? You can email me at misty at joy in the journey dot net
Thank you for this. Yesterday, my joy was stolen. Today I am mourning. I am broken.
Oh, Hannah, praying for you! And no, you are not alone. For me, the dealing took time, more than anything. I couldn’t hold a baby without crying, and I was SO upset when someone got pregnant. It took a few years, lots of prayer, and aching, but I am content now. I know God has a plan for the 3 children I have, and if HE wanted us to have another we would have, so HIS will has been done. It’s hard. To swallow that. But, if we don’t, then what’s left? A joyless life? A discontent marriage? I don’t want those for my kids either. So… we find peace. We let the ache go. I am praying for you as we speak and please feel free to contact me anytime. I DO get and read my messages 🙂 🙂 <3
I’m not sure if you will get this message..but I just wanted to thank you for this honest post. I especially found the dealing with the ache part helpful as I often only read stories about how sad everyone is instead of how they moved on. I am 31 and have 3 children. However because of precancerous cells I am forced to have a hysterectomy, I’m so devestated and I long now more than ever to have ‘just one more’. The ache is not just an ache it’s coming to terms with ‘never again. Ever.’ It’s so so hard. It has stolen my joy and peace. As if a child ultimately is responsible for your happiness. I don’t believe that but it feels that way. I am trying my best to trust God and to be grateful. I want so much to just be content. It is so helpful and comforting to know that I’m not alone in this struggle. Thank you again
I’m sorry, for some reason I am just seeing this. Yes, I agree God has a plan, and now I am finally at peace with the situation. I can hold babies and not cry. The ache is gone and I feel complete. Thank you for sharing your story and offering encouragement to those who are dealing with the ache <3
I don’t necessarily think it IS just the spouses decision. However, what I was getting at is that if one spouse doesn’t want another a child then really the couple shouldn’t have one. It is a mutual decision and no child deserves to be brought into this world unwanted. In this situation I decided to let it go and trust my husbands judgement and desire for our family to be complete.
I take issue with your statement that it is the husband’s decision. If the situation were reversed, I would find a husband telling his wife she needed to bear more children even though she didn’t want to would be abusive. I have horrible pregnancy, and I just couldn’t do it again.
Pregnancy and child bearing should be mutual decisions not mandated by one spouse or the other.
Thank you for sharing such a personal, heartfelt experience. I love my 3 children, and although I go gooey over babies, I did not have The Ache for more. I followed the doctor’s advice and had my tubes tied, and I feel our family is the right size for us. I look forward to holding grand babies. I had the great privilege of being a stay at home mom. I believe that both husband’s and wife are in a partnership with God, and we make big decisions jointly. A man is the head of the family as he hearkens to the Lord, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not more in tune with His Spirit and will sometimes. There are times my husband’s personal opinions got in the way of actual inspiration. There are times he’s recognized I’m more receptive to hearing an answer. Raising kids in this world is difficult, and looking back now I can see many reasons 3 was our limit. I hope that as you move through the seasons of life that you have peace about your family size and have opportunities to share your great capacity to love.
You are welcome! And, no it does not. I SO wish it did!!
Thank you for talking about this. I have two girls, aged 12 & 9 yo. I always wanted more, but my husband did not. I respect his wishes, as he has sacrificed so much for my wish to home educate. It does not lessen the ache, however.
Oh, Candi, I am so sorry you are hurting. I will pray for you! That God will give you peace, and comfort. Adoption is a beautiful thing. We considered adoption, and have seen God do beautiful things through the adoption of friends babies. Prayers! And thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks so much for so much for sharing! My husband was done after 2 boys but I wanted more. Then I had a doctor talk me into a hysterectomy when I really didn’t need it. I agreed also because my husband said no more kids. But later his heart changed & then it was too late. For 10 years I’ve dealt with my grief & it almost feels like I had an abortion & the permanency of that. It’s hard. I wish I had a girl to go along with our two boys. Adoption is possible but I’m not sure that will ever happen. Thanks for all the verses. I think I must live with my ache & trust God for what I’m suppose to have. These children are His anyway!
What a beautiful story! Thank you so much for sharing 🙂 God is good, all the time!
Yes! I feel like we have a missing child between my 2nd and 3rd. I have finally come to peace with it, maybe not fully agreeing… but peace. Which is much better than the resentment I have felt in the past. I think God gives us the desire to mother, the ache is normal, it is how we deal with the ache that is important.
I’m dealing with this. I tried so much to change my husband’s mind. When I couldn’t get past the ache, I began praying for God to align both our hearts to His will, whether that be to give my husband a desire for more children or to give me a peace about not having more. My husband did eventually agree to 2 more kids, but I still get that feeling that someone is missing. I’ve even caught myself wandering through the house looking for that non-existent kid, trying to gather all my kids for story time, only to remember that I already have all my kids gathered and waiting on me to start. Maybe I’ll always feel like someone is missing. Who knows. My husband wants a vasectomy. I’ve tried to be ok with this and just can’t. I told him that he needs to do what he needs to do. I’m not going to divorce him for it, and I will always do my best to love him; but I can’t telling him I’m ok with it when I’m not. He just has to do it; and as long as he has prayed about it and listened for God’s leading, I can find a way to eventually be ok with it.
My husband and I went through that when we were getting married and he wanted 3 and I wanted 4. I just assumed that I could change his mind by the time we got to that point… I went through the same phase of pouting, wishing… Suggesting all to no avail. Gods spoke to me about contentness and I embrased it. I told myself that I didn’t want to miss out on my little guy’s milestones because I was too busy wishing for another baby. I pushed myself to respect my husband with enthusiasm and prayed that God would change his heart or change mine so I am content. In May of last year I found out that I was expecting… It took an entire day for my husband to talk to me about it… I prayed that entire day that he would turn to God instead of friends/family. When he came to me that evening he told me that he hoped I didn’t mind, but he talked to our pastor about it… It was another answer to prayer. I am holding my 8 week old son right now just wondering what huge thing does God have for his littke life! I am now praying for contentment with not wanting more children… But I find peace in knowing that if God has plans for more children for us then it doesn’t matter what cones in the way… It will happen. God is good and respecting & honouring our husbands is a beautiful thing.
Oh Andrea your comment brings tears to my eyes. The ache still hasn’t gone away for me, but like you said it has gotten easier to deal with.
I had a tubal scheduled after my 3rd and backed out twice…. I was SO afraid if I went through with it I would regret it and become depressed. So, I understand where you are coming from and am so sorry you have wen tthrough that.
The best therapy for me has been other peoples babies. That may not be the case for some, but for me it has helped so much. What led to this post was a friend getting a foster baby straight out of the hospital. I have cuddled and loved on that baby, brought him home on Sundays and just treated him like my own. It has helped fill that “void”, yet also reminded me how “good” we are without a baby (more time, extra car seats, etc).
Prayers to you and your husband!
I had my tubes tied after my third baby. About 6 months later I regretted the decision with my whole heart. I went years begging my husband to let me get it reversed, I begged God for a miracle baby, I had so much ache as I watched my best friend welcome 3 babies into the world… I finally did what you did ( I read your blog secretly hoping for a way to convince my husband still lol) I know that he is the head and reserves my respect, especially in the fact that he provides for our family. Thank you for the reminder. I am growing more ok with the fact that I will never have another baby.
That is such an awesome story of God’s timing and grace. Congratulations!!
Don’t give up hope just yet! My heart was heavy with “ache” for many years. My husband felt our family was complete. (We have a his 20yr old, a mine 16yr old and an ours 10 yr old) When I finally accepted his decision for our family so then I tried to find other ways to bring more children into our home. I convinced my husband to look into fostering children. We just started to look into the process of foster care when I found out we were expecting a little surprise in May 2015! I am over the moon! God has His timing. The oldest will be 38 at her younger sisters high school graduation!
Thank you for sharing! I am so glad this post touched you 🙂 I will pray for you!
OH, this is hard! I have five wonderful children, and yet would have a baby tomorrow were it possible! I pray for more babies daily, but right now my husband is also content and happy where we are. So I continue to pray for more, but also pray that God will help me to be the mama I need to be and should be to the ones I have, and the wife that my husband needs, and remain content where we are as a family 🙂 You are right – the ache never truly goes away!
Oh, SO not amazing. Thank you though and thanks for stopping by!!
Wow! You sound like an amazing momma.. and WIFE! Your husband must be so thankful that he found you! I hope you find peace in prayer and thank you so much for sharing this in this week’s #SHINEbloghop!
Prayers Tiffany! I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story.
This brought instant tears to my eyes. I have two healthy girls after years of thinking we’d never have children, and I love them! I even thought I’d easily get over the ache of another (I even think I was), until I had a miscarriage in March of 2013. It was an unexpected pregnancy, but I quickly became excited. Then at 8-9 weeks I lost the baby. Ever since then, every month I insanely hope for an “accident” that never comes of course because my husband (for good reason) says we are done. I can only hope that the ache will go away soon so that it doesn’t continue to overwhelm my joy in my girls while they are still little.
I’m sorry to hear that! Prayers to you and your husband.
Thank you! This is helpful for me as I am facing unexplained secondary infertility. It hurts, but I also know that God is in control and His way is best!
Oh Charlee! If only the respect came easily…..I learned after kicking, screaming and whining, then a big ole batch of conviction from the Lord 😉
It has been really nice not having diapers! It’s also nice to just up and go without packing, and all that junk. So, embracing where we are now has made it easier. Thanks so much for stopping by!!
You have a lot of strength, Misty! We haven’t come to this point in our lives, but I know it’s going to eat at me when it does. We are planning on having three, but I’ve always said that I want more if we can afford it. I hope I can learn to respect my husband’s role as the head of our family if he decides that three is where we’ll stop. What a fun time for you, though, to be out of the diaper stage!